Making Online Dating Work

By Sam Yagan

Online dating, once widely stigmatized, has entered the public discourse as a mainstream activity. According to a report by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 31% of American adults say they know someone who has used a dating site. Another 11% of all Internet-using adults say they have gone to an online dating web site. Virtually all industry analysts agree that over time, more and more adults will use the Internet to meet romantic partners.

Some people have the misconception that online dating is the option of last resort, to be used only by those people who have failed to form relationships via traditional “offline dating.” On the contrary, most online daters use dating sites to supplement, rather than to replace, their offline dating activities. Whereas most people only meet a handful of new people in a given week, online dating sites usually bring hundreds of thousands of members together. Just as most brick-and-mortar stores have a web site to generate additional business, most online daters see online dating as just one component of their overall dating strategy.

People considering online dating face a bewildering set of options with over one thousand different sites to choose from. Answering three simple questions should help narrow the field:

1. Do I want a site that will recommend compatible people to me?

Virtually every site will allow members to search through their database of users based on their gender, age, geography, and other preferences, but only a couple sites have put together algorithms to assist members in finding others who might have compatible personalities.

eHarmony (www.eharmony.com) has built a matching algorithm on 29 axes of compatibility, requiring all members to endure a several hundred question personality assessment before joining. Psychologists appear to have mixed opinions on the viability of using such analyses to predict compatibility.

OkCupid.com (www.okcupid.com) has recently challenged eHarmony’s supremacy in helping members find compatible matches. OkCupid empowers its members to build their own matching algorithms. OkCupid users answer questions about their own lifestyles and what attributes they desire in their matches. Questions cover topics from smoking to kids and movies to sex.

2. Do I want to pay a monthly subscription fee?

As most Internet users know, the vast majority of well-respected web sites offer their content or services free of charge. Consumers generally do not have to pay for access to the ESPN, New York Times, and Google web sites, but most dating sites require subscription fees. Online daters should not confuse cost with quality. On the contrary, the vast majority of the subscription fees offset the hundreds of millions of dollars in marketing the sites spend to acquire new members. Match (www.match.com) and Yahoo! Personals (www.personals.yahoo.com), for example, charge their members hundreds of dollars per year.

OkCupid.com (www.okcupid.com) does not have any fees for access to its site, which has every major feature offered by the subscription-based sites. Members can browse, search, IM, and email other members 100% free of charge. In lieu of charging these subscription fees, OkCupid generates revenue just as ESPN, the New York Times, and Google: advertising. As a result of not charging subscription fees, OkCupid attracts many of the most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes who have not found it worthwhile to pay for online dating.

3. Do I want a niche site?

Match, Yahoo Personals, and OkCupid attract users from all walks of life, encompassing people of all ethnicities, geographies, religions, and sexual orientations. Each site allows its members to search other members based on any preferences that someone may have. So, a Jewish person on one of these sites will have no problem finding others of the Jewish faith if he/she so desires.

Hundreds of niche dating sites recently have sprung up. The most well-known of these sites include JDate (www.jdate.com) and Gay.com (www.gay.com). Users who never want to interact with others outside of their particular niche may find these sites attractive, although the prevalence of these individuals on the general-interest sites makes the need for these sites less obvious. Some niche sites have almost certainly gone too far, though, with the introduction of sites like www.cowboycowgirl.com and www.cowboysingles.com.

Once someone has decided to sign up for an online dating site, following a couple simple rules can help increase the probability of success.

1. Build a complete profile, including pictures.

Almost every dating site encourages members to fill out a profile to share with other users a glimpse into their personalities. These profiles often contain information regarding what kind of relationship he seeks (casual dating as opposed to marriage, for example), hobbies and interests, and some other light-hearted content. Along with this information, no profile is complete without at least one photo. Physical attraction is an undeniable part of any romantic relationship; many online daters will not reach out to members without photos.

2. Be honest.

The most prevalent complaint online daters have is that some members have misleading profiles. These users rarely have malicious intent; on the contrary, they often chalk up any inconsistencies as “little white lies.” Make sure your photo is current and accurately reflects what you will look like when you finally meet up with someone on a first date. Definitely do not lie about your marital status, children, or other critical information that someone else is likely to get upset about when he/she discovers the truth.

3. Be safe.

Online daters who find someone they would like to meet in person should follow a couple of common-sense precautions. First, always meet in a public place, such as a coffee shop, restaurant or bar, and avoid sharing a ride to and from your date. Second, let a friend know where you are going to be and when you expect to return. Even better, ask him or her to give you a call an hour into your date, just in case you are bored and want an excuse to leave.


About the Author

Sam Yagan is co-founder and CEO of OkCupid.com, America’s largest free online dating site. A veteran online entrepreneur and graduate of Harvard College and Stanford Business School, Sam previously led the development of the leading brand of study guides, SparkNotes, and eDonkey, a popular peer-to-peer file-sharing application.


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Rug burn.

Who has sex on their living room floor? Not me. Not now. Not ever, ever again.

Recently, an old flame of mine came to town and decided he wanted to spend some time with me. Said time turned into a fancy bottle of wine, an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and a beautiful session of love-making on the living room floor.

BAD IDEA. Up until this point, I'd never in my life experienced the death that is rug burn. Let me tell you, I'd rather have been stabbed with a screwdriver than encounter such a "boo-boo." What a painful experience! And then when the post-rug burn attempt at sleeping rolls around, there's nothing left to do but lie in bed and consistently remind yourself that it was worth it. What a mess!

My advice? The bed is never too far away. And if you don't have a bed, find some linoleum, STAT!